hi again

Hi blog! I missed you!

I feel like I go through a cycle of writing all the time, then not writing at all, then apologizing for not writing while still not writing, until eventually inspiration hits and it starts all over again.

If you know me you'll know I've been doing this cute new thing called starting a personal brand. Basically I'm trying to make my presence as a branded persona more accessible and popular online. As someone who wants to go into fields like media, journalism, and art that require heavy networking and "knowing people", it can only help to be someone people know, you know?

Either way, this blog is going to help me with that. I haven't decided if I'm going to stay on Blogspot and just re-vamp (I have such a lovely base here), or if I want to start fresh on a whole new platform. If I start fresh I'll probably import some of my favorite posts from this blog on to the new one, and this blog will still be public and available for viewing.

I definitely want to continue my college "days" series because I've been having so much fun writing those (I have like three in my drafts, so look forward to new ones soon). I also want to expand into talking more broadly about things I'm inspired by, music art and media that I like, etc. I want to talk about lifestyle and fashion, politics and culture, as well as muse and complain as I've been doing for a while. I've also been making a lot of art recently that I would love to share on a more branded platform. Overall I'm going to spend more time figuring out what this space is and how I want to curate it.

Whatever, the point is, I'm back. I'm really back. I'm really going to commit to making a post at a minimum of ONCE a week so that I have writing practice and stuff to fill my resume. Whatever, you get the gist. I'm a young professional here.

I'll see you soon.

ily
Camille

on opening up (92 days)

I've never been the most open person, as in with my emotions and deep personal experiences. It takes me an absurdly long time to warm up to people to even behave like myself, let alone tell them my deepest darkest secrets. I become very awkward during heart to hearts, not because I don't care about other people's feelings or experiences, I just don't feel like I'm ready to share my own, nor do I totally know the correct way to respond. Even in every day circumstances, I use sarcasm and humor to deflect when things get too serious.

I could not explain to you why I am this way. I've never had a traumatic experience or a relationship that went awry. I love people and I love having friends. I want to trust and I want people to trust me. I just am not very good at the intimate kind of close friendship. I don't know how to describe it.

College has heightened this strange flaw of mine. In high school,  relationships took longer to develop, so my irrational fear opening up never applied until the end of my high school experience when the group of friends that I slowly collected over my four years became like my second family. I wasn't spending every waking moment with the people I met at work, school, or during my activities. It was easy to balance things and keep it at a manageable and comfortable distance.

College is a completely different story. You become completely dependent on your friends. Relationships move very quickly. Best Friendships, while in high school might take years to form, can be formed over a single day. My inability to be completely and genuinely serious is glaring. I can't keep this up for very long.

For example, literally fifteen minutes ago a friend of mine was looking up this very blog to read some of my stuff. I, naturally, freaked out. I've put some pretty personal things up there, and as I've only known him for less than three months, it seemed way too soon for those things to become public. But isn't that irrational? I put these things on the world wide web, for the world to see, and I freaked out because he wanted to read my writings that anybody with internet access could look at? Plus, he's a friend who I value and trust, despite only knowing him for a short amount of time, so it is stupid to be so freaked out by his wanting to read some of my stuff. (See what I mean by things moving super fast? In high school, a person I've known for three months is barely an aquaitence.)

I'm glad that college has given me the opportunity to face one of my fears. I am a supporter of pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone to become a better and more well rounded person. All this post is trying to suggest is that I'm nervous. I don't know what to say, how much to say, or when to say it. I don't know how my new relationships (it has only been 92 days!!!!) will change based on this new information. I feel like everything is moving at lightning speed and I'm having trouble adjusting.

I guess the conclusion is that I'm weird and college is weird and hopefully those two weirdnesses can balance each other out. Who knows!

More updates to come!

Camille

on homesickness (77 days)

Everything is happening exactly as I predicted it. The first month or so of college I'd be happy and carefree experiencing my first taste of independence, then I'd start to feel it. I'd start thinking more and more about my parents 1,000 miles away in Minnesota. I'd start to really feel the sting of FOMO when my sisters are hanging out together in Boston. I'd start to feel that soreness in my heart when I saw a picture of my dog. I'd start thinking more and more about my lazy afternoons at Spyhouse after work, the light nights at Dunn Brothers, crafting dates with friends, the museum, my bed, so on and so forth. I'd start to feel homesick.  

It didn't hit me like a tsunami of sadness or anything. It crept slowly into the things I do every day here as my brain would subconsciously compare it to the things I did every day back home. It was never overwhelming or anything either. I think sore is the right way to put it. Slightly uncomfortable, but manageable because I know it won't last forever.

What I miss most about home isn't necessarily the exact things that I did, it isjust how natural everything was. I didn't have to think so much about what I did or where I went. I wasn't doing things for the first time all the time. I had ties, a foundation. Even though I had plenty of new friends who I had only known for a couple of months, I also had friends who I had known for years, and some for even my whole life. Everything was easy and everything was comfortable. 

Don't get me wrong, I love New York. But moving away from everything that I've ever known is an understandably hard transition. I'm slowly but surely making relationships that I hope will last for a while, and I am very happy here, but I'm starting from scratch and building a new life for myself isn't a walk in the park. 

My homesickness hit the hardest after election night. I had just spent the past 5 days barely sleeping and walking over 15,000 steps every day canvassing for Hillary Clinton and her counterparts on the Pennsylvania Democratic Ticket. The loss of the election, especially the loss of Pennsylvania, hurt more than it would have if I hadn't gone on the Campaign Trip. I had skin in the game. It was my work that was being reflected in the outcome, and I knew I had worked so hard to get the right candidate in office. That isn't even mentioning the disastrous platform our President Elect ran on, and how nearly half of  voters wanted that platform of hate put in place in our government.

 I'm getting off track here.

The only thing I wanted that night was a hug from my mom and a pep talk from my dad. That morning when I woke up and saw that he had really won, I could only imagine the smell of kasha and the sounds of my parents bickering that I knew would have made me feel worlds better. We could have talked about it, we could have made a plan together about what we could to make the world a better place. All I wanted in that moment was to be with my family. (Note: Embarassingly, I'm tearing up a little bit as I write this, and by tearing up I mean full on crying. Oops.)

After crying publicly in my favorite bagel place and posting a picture with a whiny caption on my Instagram, my twin sister came to the rescue. She hopped on a bus that evening and came to spend the weekend with me. It was amazing! It felt so nice to put my guard down. We talked and joked and fought exactly as we did when we were home. Finally, I had someone to quote obscure Vines with! Remember my last post about exploring NYC alone? With my partner in crime, I finally went to Brooklyn, which I had been too scared to do by myself. (BTW, I love Williamsburg/Greenpoint. I need to explore more neighborhoods. Brooklyn officially has my heart). 

This weekend was exactly what the doctor ordered. I feel much more positive and excited to keep on working at school and getting to know this new city I call home. Additionally, in just a couple of weeks, my parents are coming up to New York for Thanksgiving, and after that it's a straight shoot to Winter Break in MN. I know eventually my homesickness will subside and I'll get used to long spats of time without talking to my friends from home or family members on a daily basis, face to face. I've got this.

Despite my melodrama, New York really is starting to feel like home. As we were crossing the bridge back into Manhattan after spending Fall Break in Pennsylvania, the feeling of relief that swept over me came as a surprise. I didn't realize how much I really missed this city. Sooner or later, I'll be writing this sappy posts about missing NYC, not MN. 

But until then, 

T-11 days until Thanksgiving.

Stay fresh,

Camille

thoughts from my dad

I'm sure we're all reeling since the news on Tuesday night, whether in a positive way or negative. For me, the results of the election were unequivocally devastating. I had just spent the past week campaigning and canvassing for Hillary Clinton in Pennsylvania, one of the most important swing states of the election, so the loss hit really close to home, not to mention the regressive years we have to look forward to under a President Trump.

Knowing this, my dad sat down and wrote a message for me and my sisters to make us feel better. I'm hoping that his words of consolation will make those who choose to read this feel a little bit better in light of the results.

(And my mom asked me to make it go viral, so I'm giving it my best shot)
Camille

~

Hello Ladies!

With the election very fresh in our minds, I wanted to give you my perspective on things.  

1. If you are out there protesting, “Be Safe!” Your health and safety are my paramount concern. Nothing gets accomplished if you get hurt or worse.
2. Your passion rocks. People say young adults are so glued to their phones they won’t do anything. Your voices and actions are proving them wrong.
3. Moreover, I like what you are fighting for – justice, equality, fairness. I’ve always believed that the strong have an obligation to take care of the weak (not to crush them), the young take care of the old, and the healthy take care of the sick.*
4. Today, we can say that those who were born here should watch out for immigrants, the middle class should protect those on the economic brink, and we must ensure there is no discrimination against people based on immutable characteristics (race, religion, gender, orientation, etc.).  I’m proud that these are your convictions too!
5. This outcome feels wrong because Hillary won the popular vote.   (So, remember, we actually won!) Trump made wild promises of fixing everything and people fell for it. Eventually, people will be disappointed when Trump does not deliver. And we will be ready to restore our values
6. Tomorrow is another day. Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. You have already gotten up! You are already rising!
7. But after this dies down it is time to focus on college and your goals. The best way to ultimately prevail is to be in the position to help others even more – as a successful (fill in the blank)
8. To give you some perspective, I was there when Reagan beat Carter and everything got de-regulated, a Pres who didn’t acknowledge AIDS until one of his actor friends died, and he built up the military so much we were more fearful of a nuclear war than ever before. But I focused on graduating from college and then law school (when the first Bush came into power) and then moving to MN and starting a new life here. I focused on what I could control.
9. A recession came that Bush 1 was not ready for and in 1992,out of the blue, the poorest candidate from the poorest state in country became President. And he balanced the budget, brought on economic growth no one had seen, and appointed Ruth Bader Ginsberg (RBG!), among other achievements.
10. I’ve been there too when Bush “beat” Gore. Bush 2 made many monumental mistakes - he let us be attacked on September 11th, thrust us into two wars that were badly mismanaged, and plunged us into the biggest economic downtown since the depression. The economy almost stopped working due to his policies and ignorance.
11. But, you know what? We (as a country and as a family) survived, we pulled through, and we ultimately prevailed. Obama rescued our economy and had many achievements across many areas – Sonia Sotomayor!
12. The US and the Ramos Family have pulled through and prevailed regardless of who lives in the White House! You have and you will too!
13. Focus on what you can control. College is part “paying your dues” in order to position yourself later to live a healthy and abundantly happy life filled with love, family and friends, good food, laughter, fun adventures, travel, personal growth and development, and having the ability to help others.

You rock. I love you! Take care of yourself!
Dad

on solitude (61 days)

I've been spending a lot of time alone lately. I feel like I'm behind everyone else on the friend front, and don't have people I can call or text when I want to get out and do something. But I live in the greatest city in the world. I'm not going to take my lack of companionship as an excuse to wallow in self pity by myself in my dorm while everyone around me is having the time of their lives.

You might be thinking, so what? Camille, everybody does stuff by themselves. Well, not me. I used to hate being alone. If an event came up that I really wanted to go to, but I couldn't find someone to go with me, I used to just stay home instead. I would forgo eating meals so that I could eat with a friend or my family when they got off work.

There are plenty of advantages to being alone. For one, you can't be ignored or excluded. I don't know if I'm the only person that this has happened to, but whenever I go out with a big group of people, there is always that moment where everyone kind of forgets about me and I have to push myself back into the conversation. Okay, that sounds really depressing when I put it in writing, but it's true! Secondly, you're on your own schedule. You don't have to wait for your friend to finish eating so you guys can catch the movie you bought tickets for. You can just get up and go whenever your heart desires. Finally, you get to think. Whenever I'm really busy or social for a long period of time, I always recognize that I haven't just sat and thunk for a while. And you can't get anything really productive done without thinking.

"But Camille", you ask, "you wouldn't be alone all the time if you just stayed on campus where all your friends are!"

Every weekend I have to get out of where I always am. I think growing up in Eden Prairie ingrained this urge to go somewhere new, or at least somewhere else, at a minimum of once a week. Spending too much time in the 'burbs can be incredibly suffocating, so it was only natural to want to get out and go somewhere where interesting things actually happen. Morningside isn't too different. Don't get me wrong, it is infinitely more interesting and lovely than Eden Prairie can ever imagine being, but it is pretty far uptown and separated from the rest of Manhattan. I need a dose of the heart racing hustle and bustle that this city is known for. I have a feeling, though, even if I lived in the heart of New York City, I'd still feel this urge to get out and go to a different neighborhood at least once a week. I can't handle things that are too regular, too monotonous.

Take now, for example. I'm sitting in this amazing cafe in Greenwich Village literally inside the NYU campus. Coming here was probably not the smartest decision I've ever made. I had to take the crowded train for 30 minutes and walk another 20 just to get here. But was it worth it? Just walking around the neighborhood from the subway improved my mood a thousand percent. I love seeing people who are different and new and exciting. I love doing things that are different and new and exciting. If I had stayed on campus, I would have seen the same people that I always see and done the same things that I always do.

I think that's a symptom of growing up, being comfortable with being alone. As extroverted as I am, and as much as I require human interaction to function properly, adults are secure enough in themselves to go out and live their lives without a babysitter. And even though I would rather have a friend or companion to accompany me on my adventures, if I can't find that, I'm still going to get out and experience life and try new things.

As always, if you have any comments or concerns, or want to get in a fight with me for whatever reason, all my socials are @theonechameleon. Or if you want to be my friend, those are welcome too.

I hope you enjoyed the second installment of "Camille's-life-updates-in-NYC".
I should come up with a catchier title.

Stay cool,
Camille

since moving to new york (55 days)

I haven't lived in New York for very long, it's been about two months now, but I already feel like I've learned a lot.

What's weirdest is that I don't necessarily feel like I live in New York City as everybody understands it. I live in Morningside Heights, which while still in Manhattan, is as close to a college town as you can get in the city. First you have Columbia, which includes the College, Engineering School. School of General Studies, Teacher's College, and the Graduate programs, then Barnard College, then you have the Theological School, and the Manhattan School of Music, all in a 10 block radius. My neighborhood, while still hustling and bustling and definitely nowhere close to suburbia, feels safe and quiet compared to what you picture when you think of New York City.

In fact, I've learned that a good chunk of New York City isn't the Casey Neistat picture perfect dream of a place that you see in the media or even when you come to the city for a quick visit. There aren't many high rise skyscrapers outside of the Midtown or Wall Street area. I haven't explored as much of the city as I'd like to, and I'm running out of time before it gets too cold to enjoy spending time wandering around outside. But I'm making an effort to get out of Morningside and become comfortable with the city I hope to call home for a long time. (It's a struggle to get to the East side, I will say. Crossing Central Park is more of a hassle than I expected. Also haven't been to Central Park. I'm failing at this 'New Yorker' thing).

Most people experience a waning of their desire to dress well in college and end up wearing sweatpants and sweatshirts all day, because who has time to put on makeup when you have midterms? I've experienced the opposite effect (although I have been wearing way less makeup then I did in high school for the reason stated above). While there still are people on campus who are satisfied wearing exclusively Columbia gear, people dress so well in this city, both on campus and off! Back home, I thought that I was a fashion queen because I didn't wear yoga pants on the daily. Here, my ripped-jean laid back style isn't cutting it. I've been so inspired to step outside of my comfort zone and wear things that really make a statement. Honestly, I could talk about this new style-inspiration for way longer than just this paragraph, but that probably won't be too interesting after a while.

So finish this post off, here are of a few of the "New Yorker Milestones" that I've experienced so far. I still don't feel like a "New Yorker", I am nowhere close & I won't be for a while, but I'm working my way up.

• Got in fight with a cockroach.....and lost.
• Observed a subway rat with indifference rather than disgust.
• Can navigate the subway system fairly well (with the help of Citymapper)
• Usually don't fall over too many times on the train.
• Went to the met.
• Passed a block with a great view of the Empire State Building and did not take a photo.
• Gave a tourist directions.
• Went to Times Square and vowed to never return.
• Ate lunch next to a Victoria's Secret model and played it cool.
• Felt out of place at a bougie Upper East Side party. (Seriously, I was the only one not wearing Chanel)

As much as I have learned, there is still a long way to go to achieving my complete form of a "New York Gal". My goals are the following:

• Learn to skateboard. Walking is overrated.
• Also, make friends with skaters. I love skaters so much. So much.
• Bike in the city? Scary but maybe worth it.
• Go to every museum. Seriously, every one.
• Visit the top of the Empire State Building. Touristy as hell, but you gotta do it.
• Be able to stand on a moving subway train without a pole and not fall over.
• Hang out in Brooklyn. I can't believe I haven't gone to Brooklyn yet.
• Go to a nice ass apartment. I've mostly been hanging out in dorms, which isn't very cosmopolitan.
• Order a bougie drink at a bar. Like a cosmo.
• Go out in downtown Manhattan. Uptown night life is very different.

I hope to continue posting about what I'm learning and how I'm adjusting to this new life I've got going. This is stuff I know I'll want to remember, but it isn't as cut and dry as "Today I went to the Empire State Building" or anything like that. Maybe in the future I'll be able to look back at these and see how I became the person that I am.

Thanks for reading! If you want more life updates feel free to follow me on my socials, all of which are @theonechameleon.

Signing off,
Camille

a picture with words: where i'm at

I forgot to publish this before I went to college. I was going through my old posts and I decided that I want to have this up on my blog, even though I'm an idiot and totally forgot I even wrote this. So here it is, 5 weeks later. I hope you enjoy.

There are officially only a couple of days left until I get on a plane to New York to start my new life. It's kind of insane to think that the moment that I've been waiting for is finally here.

I want to capture this moment. I'll never be this version of Camille again, which I am more than happy with. I am excited to learn and grow and become a different version of myself. Nevertheless, I want to remember who I was and am at this very moment before I head off to make one of the biggest changes in my life thus far. This post will be divided into two parts: Part A will describe who I am right now August 24th 2016, and Part B will illustrate some hopes that I have for my future self.

PART A

I am happy overall. Even though my moods definitely fluctuate (I'm a teenage girl, what can you expect?) I can confidently say that I am content with myself and my achievements. I honestly believe I am doing everything I can do be the best person I can be. I have flaws, no doubt about it, but I've made my peace with them and working towards lessening their impact on my personality and disposition.

I'm a procrastinator. I will make up the dumbest reasons to not complete a certain task or put it off for a while. My time management skills are embarrassing to say the least.

I am optimistic. I believe that though horrible things happen all the time, society is moving towards a brighter future. I believe that I can make my life and the lives of others better. 

I am awkward, oh lord am I awkward. I wish I wasn't so bad at basic human interaction, especially with people my age or older than me (I'm pretty great with people younger than me).

I love Crime TV shows, especially White Collar and Psych where it isn't too gory or realistic because I hate things that are scary. I'm also currently obsessed with the O.C. which is ironic because aren't I supposed to hate California as a New Yorker?

I still haven't finished Breaking Bad.

For the coming year, I am a mix of excited and nervous. Both emotions are extreme and all consuming. I'm excited to meet new people and learn new things, but I am nervous that I won't meet anybody interesting or that nobody will like me and that school will be too hard. 

PART B

I want to find a career that I genuinely enjoy. It doesn't have to be perfect every day, that'd be unrealistic to expect that. However, whether I'm still writing or I'm working in film or art, I hope I enjoy it overall.

I want to be less naive. I want to experience more and learn more about who I am and the world. I don't want to become jaded and cynical, I'm simply looking forward to growing up.

I want to be better at taking risks. If you know me in real life at this present moment, you'll know that danger and Camille don't go well together. Due to this, I've missed out on so many experiences and opportunities. It's time for that to change.

I want to become more selfish. I can't tell if it's because I'm so Minnesota Nice, but I have serious problems with taking things for myself, accepting gifts, and stuff like that because I don't want to impose on the other problem. It's time I learn it's okay to impose to some extent, it's okay to depend on others, and it's okay to think about myself and only myself just a little bit.

I want to continue being creative. I hope I find time to do something that exercises my creative muscles, like painting or taking photos or writing. 

I want to travel. I want to see as many places in the world and meet as many unique people that I can. I want to be able to immerse myself into exotic cultures and take parts of them for myself.


Thanks for reading.  Past me, you did good. Future me, go forth and conquer.

x Camille